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Happy anniversary.

We all know that George W. Bush is unelectable. After all, he lost last time; he’ll lose again. In every conceivable metric, he has failed to clear the bar set by even the most inept of presidential predecessors: whether it’s the gutshot economy, the punch-drunk war, the hamfisted cronyism, the Nixonian authoritarianism, or the ludicrous foreign policy, as conducted by a bunch of froshling poli sci majors on a Diplomacy binge, he’s presided over the most appalling collection of creeps, crooks, dolts, and faith-based dipshits ever to tap a Teapot Dome. His administration has been a miserable failure; any slob in a smelly T-shirt could beat him in a walk on that special Tuesday in November. The man is unelectable.

But he is selectable.

So here’s a clip’n’save vocabulary list of tricks and tactics we all ought to keep a weather eye out for, beyond the obvious black-box ballot-stuffing threat of Diebold and company:

Rehnquist v. tr. To purge voter rolls of blocs designated as likely to vote Democratic, whether by excluding anyone with the same last name as someone who might be a felon, or directly intimidating minority voters at the polls. Usage: “Katherine Harris really rehnquisted Florida in 2000.”

Kennedy v. tr. To gerrymander voting districts to prevent adequate representation of minorities; from the act of using specious legal reasoning to defend this practice. Usage: “The Republicans are getting more brazen about how they kennedy voting districts.” Note: overshadowed by the more virulent synonym, delay.

O’Connor n. The hypocrisy of strenuously attempting to appear principled while openly aligning oneself with unethical, amoral factions, lending them respectability in return for the tactical advantages gained by trampling the very principles one claims to uphold. Usage: “There’s an entire class of ‘good’ Republicans in this country, lost in an advanced state of o’connor.”

Thomas v. tr. To “work the ref,” manipulating rules, regulations, policies, procedures, and public relations to prevent crucial information from reaching the public, thus ensuring the vote goes your way. Usage: “The punditocracy appears if anything to be even more complicit in thomasing political coverage in favor of the Republicans than they were in 2000.” Note: thomasing differs from diebolding in that no vote tampering occurs, per se.

Scalia n. Any Supreme Court decision which is a one-time only deal, setting no precedent, engaging in transparent sophistry that makes a mockery of the articles cited, and effecting a naked power grab that shatters our much-vaunted system of checks and balances. Usage: “Bush v. Gore? Total scalia, dude.”

Over it? Feh. Move on? Ha! Happy anniversary, y’all, and remember: he’s unelectable—but selectable. The gang that can’t shoot straight is governing like there’s no tomorrow— certainly not one that belongs to anyone but them. They will not go gently into that good night.

But they will go there, by God.

  1. preznit give me turkee    Dec 12, 01:23 pm    #
    actually, I think "Perrymandering" is better than "Kennedying" after TX Gov Rick "Goodhair" Perry, who called an unprecedented 3 special legislative sessions to illegally re-district the US Congressional Districts

  2. Kevin Moore    Dec 12, 02:07 pm    #
    You're trying to make a point, you are. I can feel it. Every time you write the word "unelectable" you link to his blandly composed bio page on the White House site. I read it. It certainly elides a few historical, er, discrepancies, as it were, fails to mention just how he got elected, but then I doubt Clinton's bio page would extend gratitude to Ross Perot's campaigns for helping him divide the idiot vote. Or mention that voter turnout was so piss-poor for four or five presidential elections.

    Anyhoo. You have a point. Er....what is it? (And if you say "unelectable" again, why, oooo, I'll get really miffed.)

  3. Sebbo    Dec 14, 11:32 am    #
    To Kevin:

    He's attempting a Googlebombing if I'm not much mistaken.

  4. Kevin Moore    Dec 15, 01:03 pm    #
    Yes, he privately emailed me as such. Now I understand. All is clear. I knew not of this "googlebombing" among your people. Yet now I feel more enlightened. I tolerate your diversity.

  5. Kip W    Dec 17, 04:07 am    #
    Apropos of nothing, I have a mnemonic for remembering the names of the five 'justices' we'd all like to forget. It's an acronym:

    Q: How did we end up with Woody Bush, anyway?
    A: The STORK brought him.


    If anybody needs me, I'll be viewing a hop on Mt. Olympus.

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