Burn this.
(Originally written in July 1997 for Anodyne magazine. Obviously the measures referred to are out of date—though election year perennials. Also, I can’t guarantee there haven’t been any changes to the local laws. And: a word to the wise: if you burn the flag before Palestinian children in an occupied settlement, Joe Grossberg will proclaim “Good fucking riddance” when you’re later run over and crushed to death by a bulldozer. Caveat incinerator.
(As for why—well, fuck. It fits my mood tonight. So.)
So you want to burn the flag.
Better jump on the bandwagon soon, folks. The House of Representatives just passed a measure that would outlaw “flag desecration” by amending the Constitution so that it is specifically exempted from protection under the First Amendment. The vote was 310 to 114, well over the two-thirds majority required for any amendments. From there it goes to the Senate; if they pass it with a two-thirds majority (and there’s a good chance they will), it will travel about the state legislatures. And if 38 of our 50 states approve it, it becomes our 28th Amendment.
What will happen to life as we know it? More than you might think. Past measures would have applied to any recognizable incarnation of Old Glory, and would have enforced the strict Boy Scout code of flag etiquette: don’t fly it in the rain, don’t fly it at night (without the proper spotlighting), don’t ever let it touch the ground, fold it in proper triangle shape when you put it away, and, oh yeah, don’t burn it. Or throw it away. Burial is the only acceptable method of disposal.
These rules would also have applied to T-shirts, neckties, comic strips (check out a memorable Doonesbury from the Bush years) or any other printed material with a flag on it—even postage stamps. Proponents claim that they’ve learned from past mistakes, and that the current measure isn’t nearly so sweeping. Even so, we can expect Young Americans for Freedom to be busted for hanging flags from dorm room ceilings; everybody who buys those little flags from Freddy’s must bury them after the parade, or face stiff penalties; and our neighbor, Phil, who hung a flag from his front porch for the Fourth three years ago and has left it up rain or shine ever since will be getting a visit from the flag police.
That’s if the laws are fairly enforced. Which they would be. Right?
So. While it’s still legal to torch the Stars ’n’ Stripes, here’s what you should do: first, if you’re burning it outside, you fall under the clean air regulations which Portland must follow, so you’ll have to apply to the Fire Department for a “permit for ceremonial fires,” usually granted for luaus and bonfires. There’s no fee. (Indoors is not a problem—as long as you burn it in a proper fireplace or woodstove.) And, of course, you’ll be wanting a flag. A 3’ x 5’ American flag will set you back about $30, but it’ll be made of nylon or polyester, and flame retardant. It’ll burn (with enough lighter fluid), but it won’t be very pretty, or safe—“You’ll end up with a liquid, plastic mess, kinda like napalm,” warns a friend who has had some experience in this area. Use a barbecue grill or some other flame-proof device to contain it. Remember, campers: Anodyne says, “Safety first!”
“Why would someone want to burn the flag? That’s so stupid!” cried one of the flag shop attendants we spoke with while researching this matter. The last serious spate of flag burning was so long ago—during the Gulf War—that nobody remembers it. But no one is seriously concerned about flag burning, here; this is really about financial improprieties, and ethics violations, and Congress wanting a little Mom and apple pie under its belt, and not giving a flying fuck what it does to the Constitution in the process. Who knows—if this “exemption” passes, we can perhaps expect more: another exemption to the First Amendment, granting freedom of religion to everyone but Satanists, or an exemption to the Fourth Amendment, so that everyone but convicted drug dealers is secure from unreasonable search and seizure. You’ve got to admire the brute force logic at work: the Constitution says we can’t, but hey presto, a little white-out and tape, and now it says we can!
Yeesh. Happy Independence Day, y’all.
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Oh, and how many times did Martin Luther King Jr. have to burn the flag to get his point across?
The Last I Have to Say About This (Tonight)
Kashei puts it best, in a comment on Kynn's blog: I'm all for people having their own opinion. And even
And what does that have to do with anything? Is Martin Luther King the arbiter of what expression is "necessary" now? Simply because King didn't, does that mean that a) nobody has ever gotten expressive value from burning the flag, and b) no one ever will? What benefit do we possibly derive from banning flag-burning, exactly?
And why would such benefits (if they actually exist) justify banning an activity with a clear symbolic and political message? I thought the idea behind the 1st Amendment was precisely to allow such messages, even if they made people uncomfortable or angry. Was I wrong?
Oh, Mr. Grossberg again.
I don't think MLK ever burned a flag, but he certainly got enough of the police's fire hoses and attack dogs set on him.
Today, Lt. Martin Rowley of the Portland Police would have his pepper-spraying finger itching for MLK. He's today's Bull Connor, ordering demonstrators be sprayed, at the August 22 Bush protest and last weekend, and sprayed peaceful people himself on February 15.
Couldn't the energy invested in making flag-burning illegal be directed to something more constructive? Aren't there dozens of foods in DC yet to be re-named?
In general, I think flag-burning is pretty juvenile. But barking jingoism smells even worse.
Oh, and if Boy Scout codes of flag etiquette are to be enforced by law, can we do something about that goddamned Tommy Hilfiger first?
If they do ever pass an amendment, we'll have to start having a people register them, so if they are burned or otherwise defiled, we can track down the original owners and lock them up. And maybe by then they will have gotten rid of those pesky laws promising speedy and fair trials.
I guess anyone burning the flag might be considered an enemy combatant, anyway.
"No animal shall kill any other animal... without cause."
"No animal shall drink alcohol... to excess."
You folks have read _Animal Farm_, right? You can except the amendments to meaninglessness and end up right back under a monarchy.
Damn, time to get the BBS server up. It may be a bit old (last March) but these are some good discussions.